This past year has been a hell of one. I could sit here and tell you how I’ve been overwhelmed with great people in my life, great moments, memories, and seasons…but for some reason I feel the need to tell you how I’ve grieved them.
-Grieving the race and coming back to America.
-Moving here to Gainesville and grieving the loss Hillside.
-Grieving the thought of not being near family in Ohio.
-Grieving past relationships and friendships.
-Grieving the loss of my job in sales.
-Coming back to America and grieving Europe & BurnWagon
-Diving in and choosing J Squad and grieving not seeing them walk out their growth.
-Already grieving the loss of my house come October.
-Already grieving the loss of my roommate as she goes to travel the world in September.
These obviously make me sound like a debbie downer, but the thing is..I wanted you to hear just the tip of the iceberg. Because I want you to hear how I LOVE GRIEVING. God has taken me through some crazy revelations this year all because of grieving. The time when I’m crying on my back porch having a cigarette (don’t worry mom, it happens like once a year), sobbing with my face in a pillow, yelling with a friend on a Skype call because I’m deflecting on them, or even trying to ignore it all by watching the O.C. (yay for unhealthy coping mechanisms).
But the most important part of it all – it’s the hope I find in the midst of the saddest times. The hope I find in living in America again. The hope I find in community within Gainesville. The hope I find in knowing that my family is always there. The hope I find in present relationships and future ones. The hope I find in my calling. The hope I find in knowing that God will take care of whatever racer goes out on the field that I’ve built relationships with. The hope in knowing I’ll have another house. The hope in knowing my roommate isn’t going anywhere. I love sitting in the knowing that God is going to show up. That He isn’t going to abandon me in the midst of my circumstances. See, if I didn’t grieve these things…if I didn’t sit in the muck and the undoing of it all then I would never know what it is to become clean. Because of Him.
SUFFERING produces ENDURANCE produces CHARACTER produces HOPE. Romans 5:3-4
Let me be a woman who knows what it is to suffer and grieve…to endure..to be a woman of character.
But most of all, let me be a woman full of hope.