sometimes I completely forget. I read about revivalists who burn with passion days on end, but I don’t understand. I glance down at myself and wonder where that is – am I missing something? they talk incessantly about grace and BELIEVE IT with every.inch.of.their.bones. what crucial bits of information am I forgetting?
sometimes I do remember how I was convinced I always let my dad down.
how sometimes I never felt heard.
sometimes I remember how terribly drunk I would get in high school just to keep up with friends.
I remember wanting to be wanted.
sometimes I remember how I thought I let my dad down by never finishing college and instead started my own booking agency to tour full-time for 4 years.
how I would get sucked into nights of drinking, drugs, emotionally abusive relationships, and random hookups while on tour.
sometimes I remember how I gave up on all of that and started working as a flight attendant for 3 years.
how I could be completely surrounded by thousands of people throughout the day – and still be the loneliest I had ever felt.
how I would calculate in my head if I had enough time to find a bar at the end of the night
and if I didn’t…how I would steal liquor off the plane to take back to the hotel by myself.
sometimes I can still hear the door slamming behind me when I would walk into an empty hotel room each night.
I remember how I would find hollow relationships in different people.
how married men would flirt with me
….and this time I would let them.
I remember how I would randomly find people in bars to hang out with and bring them back to my room – only to watch them do coke off my tv.
sometimes I remember drunk co-workers barging through my hotel room
….and sometimes I remember crying in the shower for hours after he had left.
and then I remember my best friend in the world saying, ‘why don’t you do the world race?’
I remember how stupid I thought she was.
and then I remember how God showed up. how He made my skin cover with goosebumbs when I thought of leaving this life for a better.
sometimes I remember signing up for the world race
…and how I would take a bible to hotels instead of liquor to find out more about God.
I remember how I would take the leap to quit my career and chase after Jesus
and I remember how much I fell in love with Him.
how He wanted me.
how He loved me.
how He redeemed all parts of me.
and then I remember it all. I remember this thing called grace
and I remember why revivalist go around like madmen, screaming into the wilderness about a man named Jesus and how He saved them.
this is why I believe in the world race – why I believe in the ways that God can reach us – the way He reached me.
because I remember my life without Jesus.
and this is what reminds me of why I’m going back out to lead another group of people on their world race.
to walk through their journey with them and to remind them of this grace.
if you’re interested at all in donating towards my mission trip with the world race – you can make a tax deductible donation at: https://www.adventures.org/give/donate.asp?giveto=worldrace&desc=For%20Ashley%20Francis