As some of you know, read, or have seen photos – training camp is in full swing since I stepped off the plane from Nicaragua three weeks ago. I talk so often of living in the balance of life and understanding that’s where Jesus called us, but this isn’t a balance anymore – it’s a tension.
When I talk about balance I always have the jelly bean dropping on both sides of the weighing scale in my minds-eye. It always seemed gentle and as if sides of the scale were just supernaturally floating. As I sit here and type this I think about where my mind, spirit, and physical body have been since I’ve gotten home and it’s in the tension. I’ve done things this week that I haven’t wanted to, I’ve been stretched, and God has absolutely been speaking loud and clear.
I started to study the actual scale and recognized that there’s a tension with each pull of a jelly bean that weighs down one side or another. The top bar that holds everything together is constantly in a tension to retain the balance. Well, profound self revelation found.
Wherever you are in life…I’m sure there’s a level of frustration and tension somewhere.
You see, in the midst of not wanting to be here, missing you guys, wanting to be at home resting, or just vegging out – God has made me the top bar on the weighing scale so I FEEL the tension. If I wouldn’t of been here I wouldn’t of seen hundreds of women set into freedom, I wouldn’t of been able to breathe life and hope into a girl that left, I wouldn’t of seen hundreds of people ask to receive the Holy Spirit, I wouldn’t of seen forgiveness and shame fall off of people, I wouldn’t of been able to have my heart break for a girl I sat in a room with as she shared her whole story with me…where my ‘mercy’ capsized my boat and made me realize that I’ve walked in shame for 20+ years for thinking I’m ‘too soft’ or ‘tender’. I would of never found this if I didn’t live in the tension this week.
There’s a tension in the moment you choose to be vulnerable each day – at work, at home, wherever it may be. Living in the tension isn’t easy and you feel pulled in all directions, but it results in a balance below you.
I pray that you continue to press into vulnerability, exploring why you feel shame, asking why you do or don’t feel compassion, communicating that to those you live and do life with, asking why you’re frustrated, and continue seeking Him in the tension because He has so much He wants to show you.